Lying in bed wallowing through my mind and unable to sleep, I had a real epiphany;
Maybe it isn't me who has changed, perhaps time has changed me. Changed the way I see the world. I have struggled for so long in a chasm between doing the right thing and doing what I want. I've held on to the past with everything I have.
When the pain in my heart would begin to ease away, I would dredge it to the surface again with old memories, because it was recognisable. Moving on and starting over seemed so dangerous, so inexplicable, and that caused the sadness to reach so deeply. I have explored every corner of my mind, imagined every realistic and every insane outcome of my future. But I never imagined walking forward and leaving this behind, the past was always the deciding factor of my future.
And in some respects, it always will be. I will always be cautious and guarded, perhaps quieter and more thoughtful. I will not repeat the actions I've taken, the mistakes I've made, and I won't ever forget the feelings I had or the things that have happened. But I will stop throwing up walls to protect myself. And although the existing ones cannot come down, they will cease to cause so much discord. Perhaps my answers to simple questions will no longer be bitter and jaded, perhaps my automatic suspicion of everyone and everything will subside.Perhaps not every part of me wants to release its grip, but I know that as a whole I am finally ready. Time has begun to heal the wounds it has made, time has prepared me, made me stronger, and allowed me to just let go.
